The previous night’s sleep wasn’t good. Things in family and so forth playing on my mind. Even trying meditation that night I couldn’t settle. So I revisited some yoga poses and read some more uplifting books until sleep began to take hold – absorbing their words and loving intentions towards us and all those choosing this path. It helped quell the doubts that, ‘somehow I wasn’t worthy or accomplished enough a meditator for me to experience anything.’
Next morning I woke up late. I decided to settle into the first meditation of the day. It took a while again to settle. I knew I had to find my stillness of mind wandering somewhere. So instead I went to bed and pulled the covers over my head to block as much daylight that filtered through the curtains. To do this my body automatically assumed a foetal position. Suddenly this dawned on me as ideal for the experience of initiation, as it was a kind of death/rebirth of a higher self consciousness.
Once this level of comfort was right I began the breath work and the mantra while in the comfort position – womb like stillness wrapped around me. Then, waves of light – there were colours – my brain would look for every detail. But it wasn’t the colours that struck me now, or even the intense waves of light pushing past my awareness like a tunnel of light, as I was still – so very still! But rushing through the waves of light, plunging into the darkness, blackness. Deep, deep light absorbing blackness. I wondered about the very still feeling of my body – I seemed to be holding my breath.
But it wasn’t that – no, I wasn’t there! I wasn’t experiencing the body at all, my body.. it wasn’t even my body! It wasn’t even me thinking about that experience.
I was nothing, entering nothing, being nothing. The peace, the silence, the stillness, the blackness was the most moving and loving experience of my entire life. The gentle joy of it. There were maybe three waves of light, then dark again that went through these layers. I was ‘gone’ for a while. No idea of time. It felt like both eternity and mere seconds. I didn’t want it to end. But eventually the light faded away – greying up of the blackness. There were shadows, movement of black figures in front of the fading light, as my awareness came back into my body.
My walk into the garden was like I’d never experienced my garden before. Vivid auras of light emanating from flowers, leaves and grass. Bees so sharp in detail and harmonious buzzing that the plants themselves echoed back at the bees. All of this wasn’t even separate entities. The plants, the insects, the worm that crawled over my bare feet on the grass. We were all one. One collective consciousness of being. Atoms with no borders separate from the plant to the bee, to the ‘me’ to the air, light and vibration sound around me, through me, part of me.
I stood there weightless.
A sound wave from the beginning of time. To the end of time. Eternal ever rebirthing. Nothing and everything.
I slept early, a long and such a deep sleep. Sleep floating in the void. The Void. I so love to sleep now. Every opportunity I get I meditate, I use my mantra. I use it in any and every still moment that I can. I daydream, meditate or zone out in some repetitive task or creative moment. Aware of the time before time, before existence. The moment of nothing becoming consciousness. Of love expanding ever outwards, to contract backwards to source. The inertia of chaos into order and back again. Time slows. The vision of life stretches away from the me, to the other. As yet I haven’t been back to the intense experience I had that first time. But I hover at the doorway hopeful for more.
I feel you all there. We are all there. Different timelines maybe. But we are everywhere, everything and blissfully nothing, timeless and eternal, till the next time!