Please note that before I recount what seemed to happen over the past couple of months, this retelling is an interpretation of events based on mental commentary and imagery from now looking back with the clarity that no words can touch what we are.
Spirituality was a source of inspiration, destination and improvement for who I thought I was before March 2022.
It was a continuous journey that played out from milestones of emotional highs and profound insights, to noticing and attempting to heal what I viewed as traumas limiting my potential – when all along they weren’t wrong or in need of change, instead they are equal with every expression of our character because they cannot touch what we are. Although they can be clarified with intimacy and disillusionment.
There was a heavy motivational fear of wanting to be what I was told is morally and characteristically “better”; based on a lack of self approval and the lense that one way of being is more valuable than another.
In 2021 I was initiated with light and sound energies. From then to 2022 I hadn’t explored these energies or deliberately meditated much.
It remains a mystery how this occurred, yet it appeared to happen as I disappeared while reading a passage about death.
The author of this book wrote about the dream of security, his name is Alberto and the passage read similar to this, “Who dies at death, Alberto does”. I read it with my name instead.
In a flash of culminating characteristics I’d grown to know as “S” involving hopes, dreams, the motivational fears behind them, existential fear of surrender and the sense of knowing who I am and where I’m going amidst uncertainty, all of that burst.
Like a bubble floating through space until it bursts into the vastness it has always been.
This was spontaneous and required no effort. There was no practice, no mental strain and no goal. The concreteness of Who appears to exist as effort is what vanished. All beliefs, concepts, seeking, feelings of lack, personal ownership/claiming, gone. This isn’t an achievement or a supreme goal attained at the end of a road. There was no real gain and no real road, instead i see it as a loss of belief in the ethereal structure of concepts, and the sense of living as a subject through those apparent limitations. What is free cannot be bound, appearing bound is freedom pretending, maybe… Enlightenment, or naturalness, organic spontaneous flow, includes all emotions, all equal, regardless of how it feels, and it is never really attained because it’s already the case. What you are is what the sense of you being a person is looking for. The end of the one who seeks reveals us.
From the Burst onwards:
All sense of being a singular person had evaporated and remained so the next morning, throughout the coming months it varied In intensity depending on the deep rest of effortless meditation (aka being enveloped in the nectar of freedom). The sense of self I had been so familiar with would arise moment after moment and evaporate again, no one was buying it. No agenda, your true nature cannot gain or lose for it is as all appearances and disappearances are, yet it is neither. Whats so whacky is how magical this world and the apparent mental journey is!
How crazy some personal dreams can get, and how simple life really is. How simple, ordinary and profound we really are. We aren’t singular or multiple yet it appears that way, it can seem so real to be a person, yet it’s a mirage that can boil away in a timeless moment. All the while these words are all so uncertain! As soon as a statement or sense of conceptual knowing appears, there’s no one to cling to it and it remains as it is. Neutral, empty, suggestive. Without conflict or authority.
After many days of total rest and clarity I took a step outside, Amazement! Like a vacuum there was no knowing of myself, empty yet full, the openness and innocence of this freshness was reflected in the appearing world around me. Completely unknowable the world seemed to glisten with vibrancy and excitement at the limitless-ness and inconceivable nature of what everything really is.
Thoughts still arise, so do emotions, what changed is the sense that there is someone who has ownership over these things. Even as thoughts appeared to claim “experiences” as it’s achievement there is endearment at the innocence of living through a story of separation. For it is not us, never was us, never will be and can only appear to be so.
What we are is inconceivable, concepts won’t get you there for you are not lacking nor are you apart from anything to obtain it. That is the illusion. And the best part is! You are already it! Appearing In the way you are always 🙂